My Year Zero Valentine

If you haven’t already, make your way to the wonderful Year Zero Writers website, a collective of writers who aim to engage with their readers as much as possible by posting often and by offering free downloads of their work.  Recently they invited others to post Valentines on a literary theme. Here is my creation.

(Note: this is an old post, Year Zero folk have moved on to new things :))

Use the fire escape Cathy
Or the front door
Its fricking perishing
On the moor
The double glazing salesman had me
At u-values
And I value u, u know I do
But I got those integrated lock thingy’s
That stop the windows being jimmied
Hang on there a tick
While I get my slippers
Don’t want my feet slapping on the cold stairs
Like flapping kippers

You look like Helena Bonham Carter
In that rig out
Quit your tapping woman
There’s no need to shout
That Bronte woman had me painted like Eminem’s Stan
Or a droog from Kubrick
These fluffy puppy slippers
Suggest another rubric
I’ll just nip down and get the burglar alarm deactivated
Cos when u and I are parted I just hate it
I heart u Cathy, I always will do
The pain just grabs me, stabs me
Like a kind of voodoo

What’s the code again? Bugger
A few more deadlocks, dreadlocks maybe
Just a jiffy I’ll be there for you.

Can’t wait, Your Heathcliff, baby



  1. Absolutely hilarious! One of my favourite scenes from literature (or maybe more from music actually as I think the Kate Bush song made me love this scene)…

    It’s fricking perishing
    On the moor


  2. Love this Alison, it’s hilarious. “You look like Helena Bonham Carter in that rig out.” Brilliant.
    Thanks for the tip on Year Zero Writers website too, checked it out there, looks good. We need more of this type site…cheers Olive

  3. I loved this when you posted it to YZ and having read it again here it still cracks me up. And I’ve never even read the book! I guess that’s how seminal it is, that it has permeated our general knowledge even without having read it we know who Heathcliffe and Kathy are and we know enough of the references to be able to recognise and laugh out loud from your poem! Great stuff.

    marc nash

  4. This is marvellous, Alison. I love Wuthering Heights but this is better – it’s like Baz Luhrmann on acid has taken an axe to it. Utterly wonderful

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